Tuesday, October 07, 2014

Exit Stage Left, Uncle Geoffrey.

Scrolling through my timeline on Facebook, a particularly well-read friend had a link to a story that made me very sad. The headline from the BBC was clear and succinct: Bond villain Geoffrey Holder dies.

I was sad because I’ll never see him again. I was sad because I could have tried to see him but did not. That's on me. I have no excuse.

Mostly I was sad because it made me think of Grandma and the fact that she probably would be devastated by the news, except that in her mind he is younger and sprier that he has been in 50 years. Even if they tell her, she is unlikely to retain the information. 

This, of course, is both blessing and source of more sadness and regrets.

The last time I saw him and had him all to myself for a tiny bit was right before my grandmother’s retirement party. We were tucked away in a back room (out of sight), and we were given a lunch of fried fish with collard greens.

The next time I saw him, I was working at Disney, we did not speak but the story still makes me smile. And perhaps some day I’ll tell Aunt Carmen and make her laugh… I repost it in its entirety (from Jun 4, 2007).

It was June 4th and the year was 1999. I was working at Disney Publishing then. It was lunchtime and I’d gone out to pick up some grub.

(It should be noted that my paternal grandmother came to the United States as part of a dance troupe out of Trinidad and grew up with the star of our memory.) I was in line to pay for my chicken salad platter at Au Bon Pain when I heard the voice, that distinctive bass and that delightful accent – he even did the laugh. Then I spotted him: Geoffrey Holder!

But then how hard is it to spot a 6’6” bald black man towering over everything and everyone? Instinctively I called out, “Uncle Geoffrey!” But he did not hear me over the bustle of the lunch crowd. He walked out of the door and into Fifth Avenue.

There is a picture somewhere of me when I was about 3 or 4 months old and I looked like a tiny loaf of barely baked bread, contently looking up at the giant holding me. A study in contrasts and adoration.

I paid for my food and ran out to try to catch up with him, knowing I had the considerable disadvantage of tiny legs that barely reach his thighs. Luckily he is 6’6” – so how hard would it be to spot him in a crowd, right?

It was nice to see him but I was mortified and slightly embarrassed that I lost one of the biggest brothers in New York! When I told my grandmother the story she responded, “Oh, he probably had a meeting at Disney, I think they’re thinking of doing a book…”

Yep! I lost him inside my own building.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Pinterest as a Writing Tool

One of the things I used to love about Michael Crichton – aside from the exciting content of his books – was the back matter where he spoke of his research and the inspiration for each novel. The back matter for Jurassic Park alone looks like the reading list for a Master’s degree in paleontology!

It was a geek dream to read his bibliographic list.

As a writer, there are three exciting highpoints in the process: 1. conceiving of a killer story idea, 2. doing research, and 3. the creative surge that comes with writing. (Alternatively, designing the cover and making your first sale are serious highs of note.)

The Internet makes research so much easier than the Dark Ages prior to the late 20th century. Pinterest adds a whole new dimension to not only the writing experience (in terms of inspiration and research), but in terms of maintaining a virtual relationship with your readers.

You can create boards of research for yourself as you write and then release it for the dedicated fans that may wish to use the resources for book clubs or forums/discussion groups or for the geeks that want to learn more about the subjects that inspired the book.

Would writers be brave enough to open their process to complete transparency? Would they create boards that illustrated their journey with a book (from conception to development and finally to print)? That I cannot answer. 

I'm not sure even I am that brave! But that fear tells me I probably should do it.

I wasn’t very impressed with Pinterest when a friend suggested it in 2011. In fact, I signed up after much prodding to look at something and I left the account untouched for a couple of years. I surrendered to it eventually, though I only have a very small presence in the medium (comparatively).

My very first boards were about one of my lifelong obsessions: shoes and boots.

Despite not being the girliest of girls (I never was), I do maintain two other boards on jewelry and the iconic little black dress. Maybe it’s not girly; it may just be an FIT thing.  

I spent time on Pinterest looking at collections of things I like or find interesting: costume prints, hats, Victorian furniture, Edwardian jewelry, wedding cakes, lighthouses, porcelain, maps, illuminated manuscripts, art deco design… This is relaxing inasmuch as it allows me to look at pretty things and empty my head of worries.

This led to my curating a board on fountain pens.

Finally, the last handful of boards was created as companion pieces to my writing efforts:
Amapola Press – links to books and special offers

Food Goddess blog – links to articles written, the cookbooks, and recipes

Bacon! – created in response to a joke and as a love letter to my International Bacon Posse

Coffee – from recipes, to coffee-inspired art to art made directly from coffee

Gastronomy – the most ambitious of my boards, it curates food-related infographics (a visual virtual resource guide that covers anything from recipes, to equipment, to ingredients and cuisines).

I also keep a secret board called CLARITY that serves as a sort of anti-inspirational resource to remind me to trust my instincts even if it’s a slightly nagging thing that registers as a single tiny mosquito doing fly-bys within earshot.

I am not done creating boards, though I suspect that because I want to limit the amount of time I spend online (or rather I wish to optimize it because I recognize that I do spend a lot of time online), I will never have a hundred boards.

The quality of the boards will probably be higher grade if I keep it at a relative low number, but also I want to curate these collections with care. 

Pinterest offers another way to communicate and should not be taken for granted because it is mostly a visual tool. It's what's at the heart of the pins that offers true heft and depth.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Plot Twist

We’ve just entered the fourth quarter and last stretch of the year. It is not a spoiler to say that this has not been the best year of our lives at the Temple.

The year started with such promise! I was finishing a meaningful internship when I got a call from an agency and placed in a fantastic consulting gig. It was the dream job serving a STEM initiative for women in higher education, and I helped create their online community.

Then I took the job in Sunset Park although it was not quite what I needed or even what I really wanted. This was what had to be done to meet my basic needs, and even that was barely possible—practicing creative accounting to stay afloat isn’t easy but it keeps your brain working overtime.

It wasn’t a horror story by any means. My boss was very nice and my office mate was fun. Also, I loved the idea that I could be home in about 20 minutes. I took the bus to and from work. I also learned a couple of things (which I admit I probably will never use again).

The plan was to find a full time, permanent job while engaged there. The three-week hospital stay interrupted the search, the follow through on that campaign, and the momentum I had going.

Now that the gig in Sunset Park has come to an end I again face uncertain times. And by that I simply mean that because I did not reach my original goal of having secured a permanent position during the summer, now I find myself at a disadvantage and playing catch up, so to speak.

No more foggy mornings at the edge of the cemetery...

This is not necessarily a bad thing. It is exciting to stand at the precipice of another adventure. It is also slightly nerve wreaking because time moves a lot faster when you have limited resources. The pressure grows exponentially as you move forward, but the trick is to learn to use it as fuel rather than let it drag you down.

If it were easy, it wouldn’t be interesting, would it? It’s probably better to have that tiny flame under you to jump start your journey. 

Job searching can take a lot of twists and turns, and it can be especially grueling when you don't have a steady back-up plan. Patience and perseverance are essential survival tools.

Ultimately, despite its ups and downs, there have been some great moments this year. More importantly, there are still a few months left to close out 2014, and it would be irresponsible to call it a day already: this may be the best year yet with a plot twist to end all plot twists!

Don't count me or 2014 out yet, we still have some serious fight in us to make this an exceptional year.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Just Be Kind

There has been a lot of talk in the last few weeks about mental health. This, in itself, is a healthy thing. It is imperative that we understand what constitutes mental illness, how to treat it, how to recognize it in others, things to do to help loved ones or even strangers afflicted by its maladies.

I think mental illnesses go largely ignored in big cities – we don’t see, we don’t want to see, we race from work to school to home to pick-a-chore. It is easier to gloss over it when you can isolate yourself in the cocoon that is your apartment and – in New York – never come out for air, if you choose.

My grandmother grew in a very small town, and as is true of most small towns, they took care of their mentally ill. They tolerated eccentricities but they also realized that these were not selfish whims but physical and psychological conditions that could not be easily overcome by those affected.

The decent thing to do, the kindness, was to help these folks, to protect them the way one would any defenseless creature and allow it to bloom in its own way so that they could achieve a modicum of self-reliance or even happiness.

I wish the conversation about mental illness was more focused and far reaching, but at least there is some dialog and the stigma is beginning to lift a little.

Today on the bus, a lady was sitting across the aisle from me. She sat with a  bundle on her chest. She held it lovingly and with care. The bundle was smallish, so I guessed it may be a new arrival.

I was busy chatting on Messenger with a friend, playing Words with Friends, and checking Facebook. I did not pay any attention to her beyond the initial glance. It did not occur to me until much later that I never heard the baby make a sound.

A few blocks later, I heard her say, “Do you want to ring the bell?”

At this point we were in the dead zone and I had switched to playing Angry Birds. Still, I heard her words and smiled. Kids love to ring the bell…

She stood as the bus came to a full stop and she exited.

One of the regulars, an old Brooklyn type (the Bay Ridge stereotype: big Italian/Irish mix, loud and funny and slightly intolerant but willing to accept you on an individual basis), looks at me with a devilish glint in his eye and says, “You realize she was talking to her teddy bear, right?”

I look out the window, and sure enough, she is holding a stuffed panda and as she is about to cross the street, she says to it, “This way?” and she turns it to face into the street as she points the path ahead.

Yes, it was a little funny because it was so absurd. It was also a little sad. I wanted to know more, but she was already gone. I hoped she’d be okay, but I want to believe that most people are decent enough and would give her space instead of torment her or hurt her.

But these are the provinces and far more neighborly than the city. If I walked into any street in Manhattan and started talking to my ham sandwich and switched to Spanish mid-sentence because it contains jalapeño cheese, nobody will give three damns.

Clearly, though, there was more going on there and this human being needs care and healing. It doesn’t make her any less deserving of kindness; in fact, she needs a little more than most. My grandmother taught me that very early in life.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Break Over. Not Broken.

Something the size of a marble has been wreaking havoc with my body, and my doctor's sanity.

It was well hidden and could not be easily seen – not with X-rays, not with CAT scans, and not on MRIs (which apparently are one of the few things on this earth that can reduce me to hysterical sobbing).

The elevated white cell count pointed to an infection, but I seemed to be asymptomatic to the usual suspects. Antibiotics always brought things back under control (expect for the pesky white cell count that was always a little bit on the high side).

Was it a blood disease? Could I be developing some form of cancer? Was there a chronic infection, some form of septic voodoo going on? Nobody knew!

It all came to a head when a tremendous pelvic pain almost knocked me down and a series of doctors, residents, interns, specialists (oncologists, urologists, gastro guys, surgeons, GYN folks) sprinted to put the puzzle together.
In the end, it turned out to be a tiny abscess that was throwing everything out of whack and causing more trouble than it was worth! A little bitty thing the size of a marble.

It cost me three weeks in the hospital and a whole lot of pain (there is a Blues song there somewhere).

I was sprung to freedom last Friday almost three weeks from the morning I walked into the emergency room in more pain than I have felt in my whole life and completely uncertain about my future.

As terrifying as the first part of my ordeal was, I need to say that methodical observation and examination brought clarity to the team of physicians looking after me and I am perfectly fine. I am up and about, and back to work and my life.

Being terrified half out of your wits makes it hard to be creative so I did no writing for the better part of two weeks-but some of the people might make it to fiction some day. I have to say that having access to social media made the ordeal less scary and less lonely.
It is amazing and shocking that something as small as marble could topple me, when bigger beasts have tried and failed. Who knew?

My deep gratitude goes to the staff at Lutheran Hospital for their awesome care.

I learned a few lessons, and here's one unexpected one: even if your mom was Parisian, if you are naked under one of those flimsy gowns that leave your butt exposed and have little to no mobility, you probably shouldn't criticize the grammar of the nurse's aide that is bathing you. It insults her entire cultural heritage when you tell her she is speaking her language wrong. It's also bad form. Woman, have you lost your marbles?!

And now, back to life! Sorry for the unexpected break.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Obsession is Relative

I have been obsessed with obsession lately.

Of course discussing it on social media and writing about online can be classified an obsession too!

There's a tendency towards an easy, willing and total immersion into obsession that permeates our culture. We are, as a society, obsessed with beauty, youth, sex, food, sports, politics, money, gratification – instant and otherwise.

The language of obsession makes it akin to passion (in its infancy) or to a mental disorder (in the troves of, well, obsession).

Strictly by dictionary standards, obsession is defined as a “fixation, ruling/consuming passion, mania, compulsion, preoccupation, infatuation, addiction, fetish, craze, neurosis...”

It depends on where you sit on the track of obsessive behavior. You can be a crazed fanatic, which means you are literally crazy, or be under the spell of World Cup fever (and this makes it a physical ailment that you surrender to and have absolutely no control over).

The difference, subtle in this case, is that the latter makes you an unwitting victim to the charms of the beautiful game, but the former makes you a willing conspirator in your own descent into the insane.

Norman Mailer had a practical take on it:
Obsession is the single most wasteful of human activity, because you keep coming back and back and back to the same question and never get an answer.”

Mailer had a practical but also had a cynical eye and by his philosophy obsession is useless. But is it really?

The question, I think, is whether each of these definitions we ascribe to obsession are actually synonymous? 

Most people would probably be offended at the idea that their passion is a fixation – but then, the person in question might be a stalker and, well, legally and morally, the rest of us would lean towards a more negative connotation.

And therein lies the real question, I suppose. Obsession is seen mostly as a negative, but is it always?

More often than not (and this is an opinion and not at all based on any scientific evidence), it seems to me that once you add emotion to the equation, obsession becomes a scary proposition.
My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.” -Joaquin Phoenix
Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing. -Elie Wiesel

But an obsession with an idea is a passion that can lead to progress, to transcendence even!
I know quite certainly that I myself have no special talent; curiosity, obsession and dogged endurance, combined with self-criticism, have brought me to my ideas. -Albert Einstein
Color is my day-long obsession, joy and torment. To such an extent indeed that one day, finding myself at the deathbed of a woman who had been and still was very dear to me, I caught myself in the act of focusing on her temples and automatically analyzing the succession of appropriately graded colors which death was imposing on her motionless face. -Claude Monet

Obsession builds worlds! And it also imagines the harshest of dystopiæ.
The trade of authorship is a violent, and indestructible obsession. -George Sand

Perhaps what makes an obsession acceptable is moderation. Certainly, small obsessions (like stamp collecting) are considered harmless and worthy only of slight scorn, but all-consuming fixations – even on things that are pleasurable – are less understood and we condemn what we do not understand.

I've heard obsession called “the very thing that destroyed” someone, but in labeling obsession we change its significance and the nuance of what it means.

An obsession that takes someone out of reality and allows them to fantasize about a world that is not there is dangerous, right? Unless it's Ray Bradbury or Isaac Asimov or Eileen Collins...

Perhaps acceptance of the condition can be measured strictly on what it ultimately contributes to society.

Certainly there are obsessions that seem completely useless – like obsession with celebrities (whether fueled by our own low-self esteem or influenced by relentless fame-whoring). 

While it has led to reality television; it nevertheless keeps thousands of production assistants, makeup people, photographers, and network executives employed and generally away from the rest of the decent folks.

Fame-whoring has created a cottage industry, therefore fame-whoring is good for the economy even if it also contributes to dumb us down and brings us closer to complete and utter moral decay.

See? It's all relative.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Ruined by Plunger

We have been fortunate for almost three decades.

This apartment, in this house we’ve called our home since the mid-1980s, was not really supposed to happen. I came along with Mom for moral support, but at that point we were both looking for a place to live independently.

The fact is that she could not afford it on her own, and I would have never considered it on my own. But once we stood in the space, and I saw the look in her eye (yearning and heartbreak commingling in one sigh), I offered to pay half of everything and urged Mom to sign the lease.

We’d have two bedrooms, a huge living room, a dining room (something I am not willing to negotiate on). The kitchen was smallish, but workable. There were closets in each room plus a bigger closet in the hallway. Eventually, after our landlady’s father had passed, I took over his old room and made it my study, and the entire second floor became ours.

In the space of time we’ve been at this place, a baby girl was born (now our acting landlady). We’ve had two dogs. Our boy has gone on to college, left the house, married and has two gorgeous little girls of his own.

We bought a new bathroom pail and filled it with things a new home needs – a plunger, toilet brush, sponges, tile scrubbers, etc… The original pail got replaced about a decade ago. The toilet brush has been replaced several times over. But the little plunger, which got minor play, has been with us since we moved in 28 years ago. Finally, the rubber cracked – probably in disuse and caused by the extreme changes in temperatures and humidity in the room.

Mom went to replace it this week and because it was one of those hot as heck days under an unforgiving sun, she ducked into the new 99-cent store and asked if they had plungers.

The young man was trying to be helpful, a relatively new arrival from China, he told her he did not know the word – and I am sure he expected her to just explain in Mandarin, but we are not that kind of Chinese. No one has spoken the old language in our gene pool for well over 100 years. Sometimes this is a confusing and visible disappointment to our neighbors who could swear we are one of them (we are, just partly).

So there was my mother and this poor young man making what must have looked like disturbingly hilarious gestures as she tried to explain and he tried to gather her meaning… And I giggled as she told me of her misadventure, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” in the back of my mind, and that ridiculous scene in “Hush” when Giles was making his presentation on The Gentlemen and then Buffy . . .

well, you know. (If you don't, it'll become clear around the :08 mark.)

The point is, we have a new plunger, and it is entirely possible that Mom may have now a reputation as well.